Despite big, stylish sets and nifty-looking cars, this dire big-budget ($60million) remake of the Sixties TV hit entirely fails to capture the series' engaging eccentricity.

A weedy, worried-looking Ralph Fiennes seems puzzled how to fit into Patrick Macnee's shoes as Steed, with America's Uma Thurman bland but attractive as his long-legged colleague Emma Peel.

Both stars are impossibly miscast, producing a soft centre in a marshmallow. Sean Connery spectacularly overplays his hand as their foe, a lunatic out to control the weather and turn Britain into an arctic wasteland unless he gets 10 per cent of the gross national product.

Comedy god Eddie Izzard appears a lot to no effect, but must be grateful he has no lines - at least in this cut.

The film feels as though it must have been half an hour longer at one time - but much thanks for its spectacular brevity.

Warners, wisely, provided no advance screenings for the critics, who dug this turkey out of their local cinemas and sliced it up anyway.