The pitch here is Men Of Honor go to Heartbreak Ridge in A Perfect Storm, which is short and to the point. Unlike the movie that came of it.

Yes folks, we're singing the boot camp blues again, this time with Kevin Costner as Ben Randall, a decorated US Coastguard rescue swimmer who's so manly that even his wetsuit has a hairy chest.

Ben's been saving souls off the coast of Alaska since a time when Waterworld was still just a bad idea.

But his missus has had enough of playing second fiddle to his pager and his last rescue ended in tragedy.

Needing time to reassess his life, Ben reluctantly takes the job of head trainer back at coastguard school.

The latest crop of soggy clichés to receive the benefit of Ben's tough love and experience includes swimming superstar Jake Fischer (Kutcher), best described as a crowing cock.

With the war of wills established between wet-behind-the-ears pup and old sea dog, everyone heads poolside for the breast-beating, hand-clapping hoo-ha of basic training.

Throughout it all, Jake takes whatever Ben throws at him, even finding time to pull a townie (Melissa Sagemiller) and engage in the traditional coastguard-vs-navy pub brawl.

Of course, Jake's bravado is an act, put on to hide his deep emotional wounds. Which makes him just like Ben, who holds body and mind together with pills, whisky and memories.

But there's no time for tears, speeches and surrogate dads when people are being tossed around their CG boats by CG waves.

Make no mistake, this is a man's world. Indeed, all the talk of "simple physics" makes one wonder how Ben and Jake manage to swim at all, what with having such huge balls of steel.

The script shows the odd flash of wit, and Costner's charismatic all-American counters Kutcher's ever-punchable prat. But everyone is swimming against the tide of predictability and cheese emanating from director Andrew Davis.

Thinly spreading the good stuff over nearly two-and-a-half hours, his imagination appears to have been starved of oxygen.

Does anyone know CPR?

Elliott Noble