Imagine the Bourne movies shorn of wit, logic and excitement. Now, in the lead role, picture the love-child of Terminator 2’s T-1000 and football pundit Ray Wilkins. Voilà: Hitman.

Over four console-melting escapades, the hired killer known only as ‘47’ has been shooting up the small screen since the dawn of the century. Now - to the delight of 14-year-old males everywhere - his contract has been extended to the multiplex.

Though why executive producer Vin Diesel didn’t take the role himself (as per the original plan) is a bigger mystery than the ropey conspiracy plot at the film’s centre.

Instead, we have the distinctly un-brawny Olyphant trying to appear mean and moody - but only managing the latter - in a load of bish-bosh-boom-bang involving dodgy politicians, doppelgangers and possibly the silliest Mexican stand-off ever.

With over 100 international kills to his name, 47 experiences his first misfire in St Petersberg when his latest hit – on President Belicoff - turns out to be a set-up.

All of a sudden, he’s Russia’s most wanted. Grabbing Belicoff’s favourite tart Nika (Kurylenko) – because she’s been set up with him and looks good with her kit off – 47 must work out who’s to pay whilst evading the military and sneering secret policeman Marklov (Prison Break regular Knepper).

Thankfully, they are all as incompetent as Interpol agent Whittier (Scott) and his gaw-blimey partner, who have been hunting 47 for years but haven’t so much as clapped eyes on him.

This despite the fact that their ‘ghost’ is a black-suited baldie with a barcode branded on the back of his bonce. 47 couldn’t be more conspicuous if he had a Tourette’s-afflicted dwarf on his shoulders waving a neon sign saying “Will kill for cash”.

But, primed as it is with bare breasts, shiny guns, and copious gouts of blood, Hitman provides all the ammunition a sweaty-palmed adolescent might need for the perfect night's entertainment.

Who cares that it’s a soulless, slackly directed, suspense-free exercise in misanthropy packed with unconvincing stereotypes?

“I’ve never felt so much indifference in my entire life,” laments Nika. You said it, sister.

Elliott Noble