Despite his all-American teen sheen, music student Paul (newcomer Bishop) is not as other beefcakes in the George W Bush mould.

Page-turning for dashing English ivory tickler Richard Kennington (Rhys) at a San Francisco concert, he finds himself attracted to more than his arpeggios.

However, just as the virtuoso is flirting suggestively with the youngster post gig, along bustles Paul's neurotic mother Pamela (Stevenson).

The moment appears lost...but as is the way with these things the pair coincidentally find themselves in Barcelona, where Richard is on tour.

Cue one of the most toe-curling seduction scenes in recent cinema history - "when I get off a long haul flight there's nothing I like better than a good back rub."

Smitten, the adoring Paul swoons around Barca - but he doesn't know that Richard has a long-time partner, his manager Joseph (Corduner).

However, Joseph isn't averse to some extra-curricular slap'n'tickle - except when we see him he cannot afford a rent boy because he's just paid top dollar to get his dog put down (really).

Dumped by Richard, a devastated Paul returns to New York, where he hooks up with a lover who just happens to be in the same apartment block as Joseph. A mistake.

One of the most unintentionally funny films in an age, this thinks it's light and witty whereas in reality it careers from one dramatic disaster area to another.

Stevenson is probably the best thing about it and her visit to a mothers-with-gay-sons tea party is hilarious - "Sweethearts, let's talk turkey - unprotected sex!"

Geraldine McEwan guest stars as Paul's piano tutor with an accent that swings back and forth across the Atlantic so much that it really ought to qualify for air miles.

It's a well-meaning but appallingly executed mess. The acting is all over the shop, the dialogue unbelievable and the tone anything but sure.

If this music was the food of love you'd choke on it.

Tim Evans