“You can’t handle the truth!” barked Jack Nicholson in his last Rob Reiner movie. Well, the truth is that Reiner’s directing faculties have been in serious decline since A Few Good Men. And this half-baked fortune cookie brings no remission.

Jack plays Edward Cole, a belligerent private healthcare tycoon who runs his hospitals like battery farms: “Two beds to a room. No exceptions.”

Unfortunately, Ed gets a taste of his own medicine - and worse - when he is wheeled into one of his own cancer wards alongside terminal trivia bore Carter Chambers (Freeman).

A mechanic of 46 years, Carter has given up much for his family. And now, given less than a year to live, it seems he will hardly make a dent in his life’s wish-list before he kicks the bucket.

Lucky, then, that Ed is in the same boat, filthy rich, and has no one but pithy assistant Thomas (Hayes, thankfully less irritating than his gay creation on Will & Grace) with whom to spend his dying days.

Luckier still, neither suffers any of the after-effects generally associated with brain tumours and chemotherapy.

In fact, you’d think the boys had been mainlining Pepsi Max as they throw themselves into an itinerary of sky-diving, hot-rod racing and global sight-seeing. Never mind malaria and typhoid, they don’t even suffer from jet-lag.

It’s ironic that writer Justin Zackham’s call to spend our time wisely is such a waste of time. Upbeat and life-affirming? Try trite, unconvincing and insultingly convenient.

Given enough money, we’d all be hurtling round the world, crossing stuff off our bucket lists. But most of us aren’t billionaires.

And while Zackham was scouring Wikipedia for Carter’s yawnsome facts, he probably ought to have brushed up on his apostles before having Thomas say that his real name - Matthew - sounded “too biblical” for atheistic Ed. At least he didn’t plump for ‘Judas’.

There are a smattering of cute one-liners which Nicholson delivers with customary gusto. But even the consummately professional Freeman struggles with dialogue that sticks in the throat like over-syruped porridge.

With everyone burbling through unlikely exchanges, attention naturally drifts towards the ‘wondrous’ scenery: the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China… which have evidently been recreated in post-production.

It sums up the falseness of a movie that is, despite its best intentions, about as profound and emotionally honest as a life insurance ad.

‘Find the joy’ goes the tagline. Now there’s a challenge.

Elliott Noble