Since nobody intends for any physical harm to come to the titular high school jock, John Tucker Must Die is a misnomer.

Which is rather hypocritical of the film-makers, given how much time is spent preaching against lying and pretending to be something you are not.

Chief female pretender is Kate (Snow – think Courtney Love, only young and cute) who is friendly, chatty and hotter than most girls her age. We are expected to believe that Kate has always struggled to fit in.

By the same 'yeah, right' token, her otherwise sensible single mother – played by former Playboy wowser Jenny McCarthy – keeps moving home because she only manages to date losers.

At her latest school, Kate finds that everyone is in love with John Tucker (Metcalfe), the smooth-talking basketball captain whose looks can cause heart attacks. Seriously.

'Tuck' is dating three of the school's most-wanted honeys at the same time: smart yet incredibly gullible amateur reporter Carrie (Arielle Kebbel), lead cheerleader Heather (Ashanti) and veggie slapper Beth (Bush).

On finding out, the girls turn mean. They want him ridiculed... humiliated... they want to make him – gasp – undateable!

Playing peacemaker and, because, like, she just wants to, y'know, fit in, Kate joins their revenge plot.

Unfortunately, everything they do to ruin his public image backfires spectacularly. Their last throw of the dice is to break his heart, through the heretofore anonymous Kate.

Suddenly, Kate is the biggest blip on Tucker’s radar. And, though his laid-back brother is clearly more her type, she finds herself in danger of being 'Tuckered'.

The title suggests dark comedy in the vein of Heathers... but even Mean Girls was fiercer.

Other than the odd risqué line ("For you I don't have to give up all meat", purrs vegan Beth) and the most manufactured girl-on-girl kiss since Britney Spears took the stage with Madonna, this is safe, disposable slapstick.

John Tucker Must Be Shown Up would be more accurate, though it does lack a certain ring.

Elliott Noble