This 'classic' weepie was creaky even in Barbara Stanwyck's day. So there was little chance that even Bette Midler could pull a new version of this old chestnut out of the fire. And so it proves, although the new 'Stella' (Dallas, that is) is actually worse than you might fear. Would a better script have helped? It's certainly hard to believe that Robert Getchell, who wrote Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, also did this garbage whose nightmare, Dynasty-style dialogue would make buffoons out of a better cast than this. Stephen Collins, as the man who makes Stella pregnant, actually achieves the unwelcome distinction of being worse than John Boles in the original, although, required to keep telling Trini Alvarado as his daughter 'I don't know about you, but I need you to put your head right here' (on his shoulder), he can be partly excused the glazed look and slack-jawed disbelief. There remain a few Midler whiplash wisecracks but, over two hours, they fade like drops of water in a desert. Even with everything right, this remake would still have been a mistake. As it is, it's a disaster.

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