In her time Paris Hilton has had many things thrust into her head (a spike in House of Wax for example) but acting ability is not one of them. As the press notes say though, “Paris Hilton has become a brand known the world over.”

If Hilton were a brand it would be Rohypnol, because The Hottie & the Nottie promises to be “a comedy about opening your heart and closing your eyes”, but leaves audiences feeling sore and ashamed.

Spouting Dr Phil level psychobabble about earth-souls and inner beauty while panting over the skimpily clad billionairess and taking easy potshots at albinos and dwarves, this is a humongously dishonest film.

Even the central message, that Lakhin really is beautiful if you can see past her appearance (a gruesome concoction of alopecia, back-hair, infected toenails, and bad teeth), is so much bunkum because she is clearly the ugly duckling just waiting for that swan makeover.

Moore is a cross between Ross from Friends and that man your mum warned you about, and why Hottie Hilton falls for the witless doofus is beyond Heidi Ferrer’s comedy graveyard script – “A life without orgasms is like a world with flowers” anyone?

His competitor, a Teutonic dentist, pilot, and Men’s Health model, is revealed as a grade-A scumball, but he's the one who surgically discovers Lakhin’s inner beauty.

Mean-spirited nonsense that casts the jail-dodging convicted drunk driver as a pouting mother Teresa, The Hottie & the Nottie confirms that in the likeability stakes she ranks somewhere between Rose West and Myra Hindley.

Some will take comfort in the film’s global box-office tailspin, but this is missing the point.

One day aliens will land on Earth offering us answers to the secrets of the Universe. But, because of films like The Hottie & the Nottie they will deem us unworthy and return to the Heavens once more in their carbon-free interstellar cruisers.

And we will still live in a world where Paris Hilton is rich and famous.

Rob Daniel