Every year, along comes a trained-killer thriller that aims to outgun the last. 2006’s Crank gave us Jason Statham on a non-stop adrenalin rush. Then we had Clive Owen offing people with carrots in Shoot ‘Em Up.

But if it's sheer preposterousness you're after, cop a load of Wanted.

Apparently, a thousand years ago there was a brotherhood of textile workers who decided to retrain as assassins, choosing their targets according to bits of coded fabric churned out by ye olde prophesy contraption, ‘The Loom of Fate’.

Co-op of the Killer Cloth-makers? With a premise this daft, there’s bound to be trouble at mill. Sure enough, the logic Luddites go to town.

It’s a pity they didn’t go the whole nine yards with some sort of X-Men-style showdown between the weaving ‘Fraternity’ and another guild of deadly tradesmen like the bakers or the candlestick-makers.

Instead we’re presented with an equally nonsensical tale of destiny and hidden identity revolving around one of life’s losers, Wesley Gibson (McAvoy, looking to improve both box office clout and American accent).

Harassed at work and cheated on at home, doormat Wesley is queuing for his anxiety tablets when – bam! – up shows a gun-toting fox called, er, Fox (Jolie) to take him away from it all.

Turns out his dad was one of the best assassins in Fraternity history - until recently having his brains blown out by rogue hitman Cross (Kretschmann). That’s him, standing by the toothpaste…

Arriving at Frat HQ fresh from his first shootout and car chase, Wesley meets shadowy leader Sloan (Morgan Freemason, sorry, Freeman) who makes him shoot the wings off flies to prove he’s special before launching into another history lesson and lots of existential claptrap.

Cross must die. But first, more torture: a brutal induction/instruction regime which – alleviated by frequent healing baths - includes target practice, knifework, surfing on trains, making bullets swerve and training rats to become suicide bombers.

Then it’s time to kill some baddies - as determined by the Loom - before seeking out Cross via his personal bullet-maker Pekarsky, played by Terence Stamp.

Stamp, like everyone else, is being paid to look serious. Except the perma-smirking Jolie, who is being paid to play Lara Croft - again.

Anyhow back to Pekarsky, who lives in a monastery in Eastern Europe. Why? Because it allows director Bekmambetov to stage a spectacular action sequence on a mountain railway pass without endangering any innocent Americans.

Anyone familiar with the Night Watch/Day Watch saga will be aware that the Kazakh filmmaker is less interested in making sense than frying the senses. He guarantees bang for your buck.

But with almost every scene ending with a slo-mo exit wound, the unrelenting viciousness negates the fun. And all the visual fireworks in the world can’t lift a plot of pure tripe.

Like bullets that bend around corners, Wanted is just a load of ballistics.

Elliott Noble