Rich On Cats And Dogs

Rich on Reception goes to the movies

There's something strange about my local cinema. And I don't think I will ever actually put my finger on it. I'm not just talking about the building here, it's the overall edge the place has got. It looks old from the outside yet, unlike any most other cinemas, it's old on the inside too. The prices haven't changed in 10 years, and neither have the staff.

There's no refreshment stand, just a young lady who's not so young anymore, offering ice cream on a tray. They've got a popcorn machine, but they don't know how to use it. When I once dared ask if they planned to get surround sound at any time, they asked me to leave. I'm wrong, I can put my finger on it. The place is in a time warp.

The beauty of it is that, apart from the local drunkard, no one else is ever in there. At least, not when I'm around. It all adds to the Event. I say Event like going into a darkroom to watch a movie is someway comparable to a life-changing experience. Not a completely different Event. But, like all Events, you don't forget it. And sometimes the Event just isn't what you expected.

This is usually down to the trailer you saw three months ago when you were a guinea pig. A captive member of an audience watching a trailer tailor-made to interest the cinema crowd and get them to watch the movie, regardless of what it's actually about. This is a massive factor in the popularity of Cats And Dogs. On the surface, the trailer promises a movie for all ages. But it's just a trailer.

Fun and chaos

The basic premise is a combination of various action and kids' movies. A James Bond opening sets the scene nicely and produces a couple of laughs. Always a good start. We are introduced to our hero, a puppy who ends up in a covert team of dogs keeping tabs on the feline element of their neighbourhood. His team comprises the usual suspects: the stern, know-it-all-leader; an expert in electronics; and a comic relief dog who can't see where he's going. The cats, too, come in a rabble but the film focuses on the two leads - little more than bungling, Home Alone bad guys.

The cats are going to take over the world, the dogs are going to stop them, fun and chaos ensues. Once the story is set up, we get to meet the human factor. The new puppy owners are Jeff Goldblum and Elizabeth Perkins. Unsurprisingly this is where it all starts to unravel.

Goldblum plays the scatty scientist father of the family. And Goldblum is awful. I mean awful. He ambles his way through with about as much conviction as an OJ murder wrap. He mumbles as usual, but his tone is so patronising you wonder how anyone made it through production with knocking him out. Rick Moranis was made for this role - shame he doesn't have a career any more. Watching Goldblum attempt to play football (soccer) is about as entertaining as the American equivalent and really, really makes you want to watch another film.

Emergency hairball

Elizabeth Perkins, on the other hand, is fine as the mother. She seems aware that she's making up the numbers and, while Goldblum picks up his pay cheque, Perkins is enjoying being in a kids' movie. Making up the human child factor is the inevitable brat, who enters proceeding whinging like American kids do, and so sympathy is thin on the ground.

I tried hard to remain impartial, to see what the kids will see, though that in itself was hard. The drunkard was not making life any easier. Regaling me with stories of back when he was a lad, and kids didn't have homes, the stray cats made a mighty feast while their furs kept him warm through the winter months. I didn't believe him. He proved me wrong. Let's not discuss that now.

On the plus side, the computer trickery and animatronics are very cool. Often difficult to tell which is which, and the gadgets the animals have are first-rate, fitting in nicely with the plot. I laughed three or four times - which makes it more successful than most comedies I've been subjected to - and even the drunkard seemed to stir from his sleep to cackle at the cat's emergency hairball turd (don't ask).

Matrix with cats

As the story developed, I began to wonder if they could step up a gear. "What can come next that'll keep me entertained?" I wondered aloud. "Rabies!" cried the drunkard. The real answer was not a lot. About halfway through, you realise this is a film for kids and not a lot more. Impossible not to like it for what it is, especially given that we are talking about cute animals here. But you will look at your watch. I can still enjoy childhood cartoons but they're only 10 minutes long. This is like an hour and a half of that.

The idea of cats and dogs talking when we're not about is really appealing to my imagination, much the way Toy Story was. And the parallels with Toy Story run much further. There's a film that really did keep all parties entertained. Cats And Dogs tries hard to emulate this success - but it just can't live up to the promise of a trailer that made me think I'd be watching The Matrix with cats. Far better than the majority of kids' holiday movies, Pokemon et al, but don't be fooled too much. After half an hour, you'll want to take the dog for a walk.

Rich
Unit 2 Reception
For the benefit of others, please leave meeting rooms clean and tidy. Thank you!