Watching Madonna trying (unsuccessfully) to play a 1930s' missionary lady called Gloria is one of the few reasons to bother with this adventure film that never fulfils its eastern promise. Her then-husband Sean Penn portrays too sleazy a character for him to fill Indiana Jones's boots, and the film moves along at the pace of a waterlogged rat negotiating a paddy-field. There are a few compensations, notably Maurice Binder's Bond-like credit sequence and some spry supporting players, especially Clyde Susatsu as a baseball-crazy opium-buyer called Joe Go. Executive producer George Harrison makes a brief singing appearance but generally the only surprise here will be if you don't switch over before the end.

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