Pity Rutger Hauer in this 16th century mud and guts epic. I mean, here he is, a medieval rogue, thrown down a castle well, up to the neck in contaminated water, fireballs overhead, plague in the courtyard, a vengeful army outside and the only man who can rescue him chained to a wall.

And what happens? It starts raining, that's what. At that point, you have to accept that it's one of those days and reach for your glass of Guinness or Hamlet cigar - if you could light it.

Never mind, there's heaps of rape and pillage in this hideous but sometimes hilarious visceral variety show, performed with over-the-top relish by its motley cast.

The dialogue is packed with clichés and modern anachronisms, and there are even pretensions to El Cid-style grandeur among the churning breasts, heaving buttocks and slicing flesh.

"Agnes, are you all right?" bellows her swain, besieging the castle to retrieve her from rascally Rutger's clutches. "Yes," shrieks the damsel, jumping up and down. "Having a good time!"