Poor old Stephen Dorff, moving from newcomer to also-ran without ever passing through movie star, and too reminiscent of Kiefer Sutherland to get his own hit TV show.
Ever the professional though, he gives a committed performance even as the aptly-titled Botched crumbles around him.
After an attention-grabbing crash-bang-windscreen diamond heist is bungled, Ritchie is packed off to Moscow by his Russian mob boss (a wobbly accented Pertwee) to snatch a priceless religious artefact from a sinister corporation.
Saddled with psycho Peter (Foreman) and his snivelling brother Yuri (Smith), Ritchie’s ruse is blown and the villains find themselves in a hostage situation on the unluckiest floor.
When a freed hostage is relieved of his head, human skin tapestries are discovered on the walls, and deadly booby traps start springing, both crims and hostages are in a fight for survival.
Botched would love to be Reservoir Dogs meets Cube.
But despite an intriguing initial 30 minutes the movie degenerates into a repetitive, sketch-format slasher flick, while the killer’s reveal must be seen to be disbelieved.
Rising above Ryan’s hamfisted direction (Benny Hill-style hi-speed chases and all), the true heroes are SFX wizards Paul McGuinness and Alexis Haggar, whose grisly concoctions belong in a far darker movie.
Played straighter, and with the supernatural edge hinted at early on but ultimately ditched, this could have been a cult favourite.
But the compromised script (two different writing teams, two different approaches) flails unhappily between horror and chuckles, and Ryan doesn’t deserve his supporting cast of familiar Brit faces (playing Russians) who happily get up to their eyeballs in the red stuff.
As a plucky hostage, Dexter’s Jaime Murray packs the required glamour and her chemistry with Dorff suggests a spin-off series might not be a bad idea.
Just give them a new director and writer.
Rob Daniel
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