As epitaphs go, you’d be hard pressed to find one as miserable and unflattering as this dedication to source novelist Stuart Browne from Peter Howitt, curator of other comedy graveyards Johnny English and Laws of Attraction.

One sincerely hopes that Browne wasn’t half as objectionable as his alcoholic, chain-smoking, coke-snorting, skirt-chasing alter-ego Noah Arkwright (Howitt), who hauls us through the mess of his life in incessant and tediously profane voiceover.

“You’re an unfunny a***hole” admonishes film student Kirstin (Tipping the Velvet’s Rachael Stirling) as hungover Noah covers her kid’s bedroom in vomit. It’s a summation which perfectly nails both character and film: neither has the slightest shred of charm.

To-ing and fro-ing in time for no discernable reason, Noah’s arc swings between laddish debauchery with best mate Ray (Pertwee) and the painful reality of bladder cancer.

An incident with a squid gets Ray on the wagon, but his united effort with Kirstin fails to keep Noah clean and sober.

It’s all supposed to be blackly funny but whether Howitt is being ironic or is simply unaware, the only real laughs come when the film highlights its own shortcomings - as during Noah’s improbable courtship of concert cellist Claire (Burrows).

“Not once did I get the feeling she was bored,” says the King of Crass of the beatific sophisticate after rambling on about himself for days.

Clearly under the influence of David Lynch, Lindsay Anderson and Terry Gilliam, Howitt drops in numerous surreal flourishes to underline Noah’s unravelling.

But as the cancer takes hold and Noah descends into self-pity and remorse, it’s impossible to view him with anything but the same contempt with which he treats his fellow AA members.

Tom Conti and Dervla Kirwan respectively shore things up as Noah’s sympathetic oncologist and deceased mother, but the dramatic driftwood of Pertwee and Burrows can’t save it from going under.

A string of numbing anecdotes from the life of a truly obnoxious protagonist, it makes for dismal entertainment.

Dangerous Parking? Don’t risk the ticket.

Elliott Noble