Don’t these city types ever learn? All it takes is one Wrong Turn to the Hostel and – well, lookee-here - they’re stuck where The Hills Have Eyes, begging for Deliverance.

This bloody but rigidly conventional exercise in backwoods lunacy finds lovers Mike and Sheryl (Josh Randall and Brianna Brown) about to hit the trail of the lonesome pine.

Tent? Check. Sleeping bags? Check. Loaded pistol? Check. Skimpy underwear totally unsuitable for hiking? Check. Better take that cell phone too, even though there’s no signal.

After a Lord-lovin’ local (Beth Broderick) shows them the way, the couple discover that this is indeed no place for godless fornicators when their spot of alfresco nookie is rudely interrupted by a trio of up-to-no-good ol’ boys.

Their weekend doesn’t improve. Next morning, Sheryl is abducted while out for a skinny-dip and Mike’s subsequent search is cut short by a bear trap.

"A lotta pain’s gonna hit ya, sweetheart," warns Ida prior to tending his wounds with a jar of moonshine (good stuff this – you should see how many purposes it serves).

She’s not kidding. The scabs haven’t even formed before Mike finds himself reunited with Sheryl for a cellar-bound nightmare, courtesy of his crazy captors and a freak who looks like the melted waxwork of Jack from White Stripes.

It all begins ominously enough, but any menace is quickly doused in a cascade of clichés and Bible-thumping barminess.

Oh, there’s no shortage of flayed skin, split heads and severed digits, but the crazy Christians of Timber Falls will prompt more guffaws than goosebumps with their slingblade weddings and – how to put this? - miscarriages of justice.

The upshot is that you’re as likely to find endorsements from the Society of American Evangelists or the West Virginia Tourist Board on the poster as you are the statement “From the director of Soccer Dog: The Movie”.

Elliott Noble