Rich On Hardball

Rich On Reception goes to the movies

I've sat here for hours now. Trying to find a way in. A handle. A story, true or otherwise that can somehow link me to the film I'm about to write about. But I can't. Honestly, I can't find that angle. I'm fairly certain I know why but I can't really explain until I get started.

I'm not going to let it beat me, though - the way I see it, I spent time and money watching the film so there's no way I'm going to let it ruin my review as well. Even mentioning the title seems like a travesty, though.

Aah well, why fight it? My dad never bought home a film this bad and it's not like it was a nod to the films I like to reminisce about. It's none of those things. It's Hardball.

Dubious

Keanu Reeves is Conor O'Neill. A low-down loser whose penchant for gambling on sporting events with various other low-lifes has made him a wanted man. He owes various people cash and they all want it now, or he's in deep trouble. So what does he do? He begs a friend for money and before you know it, he's part of a bargain which sees him coaching a kiddies' baseball team in the slums.

I've just read that back and I don't think I've done it any justice. I actually made it sound OK. It isn't. I was a little dubious when it started but, when a particular scene came along, I knew I should have been in the theatre next door which was showing a film with strippers in.

Indeed, in the scene in question, Keanu exclaims, "Nobody can beat me up as well as me!" before ramming his head through a window. Ironically, this was the worst scene, but the best thing Keanu did in the whole film. I comforted myself with the thought that he was referring to the film and his career before slicing his own head on the glass.

Well-trodden path

The honest truth is, I didn't know what sort of film this was. I honestly didn't. Was it a comedy? A drama? A comedy/ drama? The dark, seedy opening certainly implied there was no room for child entertainment here, but it was rated 12. What was I to think? Soon we see daylight and not-so-seedy, badly-lit back alleys and Keanu is off to meet his new baseball prodigies. The introductions of the characters was as typical as any other "I don't want to look after these kids, dagnammit!" movie and only made me think about how much I wanted them to find another route on a well-trodden path.

In fact, that's partly why I stayed, I wanted them to prove me wrong, to show me there was a quality film just around the corner. Alas, I was foolish. Keanu teaches the team-mates to love each other and the team goes from being bottom of the league to championship contender. In the meantime Keanu sees the dark side of the kids' lives and finds a love interest - because the writer wanted to annoy me so much with his dumb-ass unoriginality he had to go the whole hog.

But every half-hour there was a ray of light. Someone would say something remotely funny or do something kinda cool. But I think that's simply because I was desperate for something to interest me.

Lemons

The child actors (a team of eight or nine 12-year-old black kids) went from capable to funny to impressive but the shoddy direction left them standing around like lemons waiting for the word 'cut'. The cutest kid was very good and the one moment I did find genuinely funny was the eight-year-old G-baby acting as a sports agent between his older brother and Keanu.

Before I saw the film I heard Keanu was bad, but I actually said I felt he could get away with it because he is a likeable guy. I was wrong. Keanu is an idiot in this. A genuinely bad actor. It's a wonder he, Dolph Lundgren and Jean Claude aren't starring in a film together.

He flails his arms around every time he tries to do drama and shouts regularly because the script is so damn boring. I'm not going to bother to mention the love interest more than I have because I'll only bore you as much as she bored me.

Predictable showdown

Somewhere in the middle of the film, I thought and prayed it was the end and was ready to offer some credit for the writer avoiding a predictable showdown with the best team in the league. I'm such an idiot sometimes. The only surprise of the entire film was a surprise because it came at the end and not in the middle, although I think that was bad writing rather than ingenuity.

Sliding from Payback to Mighty Ducks, stopping off occasionally at Dangerous Minds, It's impossible to categorise this movie. Not knowing if it was for kids or adults hampered my chances of enjoying it because I simply didn't know how take it. But I should only worry about the kids v adult thing if I'm going to say it's worth talking about again. It isn't, so no problem there. I must have been physically glued to my seat. Otherwise I'd have left.

Rich
Unit 2 Reception
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