What does Rob Zombie have on Harvey Weinstein? How did a Charles Manson apologist with the visual pizzazz and storytelling skill of Helen Keller land the plum assignment of reworking the granddaddy of all slasher movies?

Split into two sections, the first half of Halloween misses the satirical sting of the original (cozy suburbia is breeding mini-Ted Bundys) and casts the young Michael (blond, snotty Daeg Faerch) as the product of an abusive redneck stepdad (William Forsythe), a teen slut sister and school bullies who taunt him because his mom’s a stripper (Mrs Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon).

Sick of life in Hicksville, Michael offs everyone bar mom and a baby sister one violent Halloween night.

Bloodbath number one over, Zombie subjects the audience to a protracted nuthouse sequence, as Michael transforms from repressed memory Faerch into 6'8" WCW meathead Mane - bizarrely, as he has been sitting down for fifteen years.

Malcolm “Cheque, please!” McDowell phones it in as Dr Sam Loomis; vainly trying to understand what makes Michael tic(k).

Not soon enough, bloodbath #2 sees Michael bust out and return home to open old wounds, Zombie here following the climactic half hour of the original.

In bloodbath #3, the director ups the gore quotient as the mute killer slashes his way through teen jailbait and cameo-ing adults to reach Laurie Strode (the likeable Taylor-Compton), making a shock twist from Halloween II depressingly guessable.

Carpenter knew he could strike gold by racking up the tension so the violence came almost as a relief, but Zombie cuts past the chase for a bilious stream of murkily shot murder (you’re not Fincher, Rob), with a troubling emphasis on blood-soaked breasts.

Clearly wanting to make Last House on the Left, at least he ultimately spared us the gang-rape that adorned a leaked online workprint.

McDowell should be ashamed of himself, and Forsythe’s caricature would be the most repellent character this year if everyone else didn’t talk like Tourette’s syndrome-afflicted sailors on a stag do.

Background characters comprise a distracting number of genre cameos from Ken 'Dawn of the Dead' Foree to Dee 'The Howling' Wallace and a bewildered Brad Dourif as a dumb sheriff.

Forget Uwe Boll, Rob Zombie is the bigger threat to horror cinema. Who’s up for Ghosts of Mars?

Rob Daniel