Michael Mann was so anxious to give this big-screen update of his designer-chic TV lark Miami Vice its own personality that the marketing briefs outlawed any reference to either the groundbreaking show or the 1980s.

So why use the title 'Miami Vice' and call your main characters Crockett and Tubbs, then? Because Mann's big enough to do things his own way. Which means another exercise in style over substance... and completely bereft of humour.

Out of fashion though it is, the TV series still knocks the socks off this po-faced cash-in.

In a movie blessed with roughly the same sense of fun as Schindler's List, a little retro-cheese would have gone a long way.

How about some Jan Hammer on the soundtrack? Or a few pastel-coloured threads? Or the odd pop star in a bizarre supporting role like the ones we used to get from Phil Collins, James Brown and Sheena Easton?

Forget all that, here's two-plus hours of macho posturing from Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx, endless shots of sleek vehicles zipping over land, sea and air, neon-lit cityscapes glowing moodily, cameras jostling across dancefloors, couples canoodling in the shower, and – occasionally - guns and bombs going off very loudly.

The plot: Undercover aces Sonny Crockett (Farrell) and Ricardo Tubbs (Foxx) link the messy death of an informant with a botched multi-agency operation, then pose as high-flying drug runners to take the scumbags down.

The ladies: Tubbs is already handcuffed to a feisty colleague (Harris), while Crockett dances a more dangerous number with the druglord’s Chinese-Cuban money launderer (Gong Li, looking lost).

The dialogue: The line "If you can't do time, don’t mess with crime" is said without any hint of irony. However, a tense stand-off does end amusingly with a preposterous pre-execution speech.

The leads: With his shaggy mane and "hey gringo" 'tache, Farrell's Crockett wouldn't have looked out of place in Ipswich Town's 1979 line-up. A better fit would have been that bloke who plays Sawyer in TV's Lost.

And though Mann directed him to Academy-recognised success in Ali and Collateral, Foxx is unlikely to add to his tally with a take on Tubbs which is straighter than his spirit-levelled fringe.

The verdict: This Vice doesn't grip.

Elliott Noble