Hello, operator? I'd like to report a fault. Yes, it seems that someone has remade a ropey thriller from the 70s and failed to make any improvements.

Remember the opening scene of Scream where Drew Barrymore is menaced by phone calls coming from inside her house? It's like that, only much longer and without the suspense.

I can give you the details, certainly. The teenage lead is called Jill, played by Camilla Belle. A description? Imagine Katie Holmes with talent and even more ferociously plucked eyebrows.

Anyway, Jill can't go partying with her friends because she ran up a massive mobile phone bill. Instead, she has to go babysitting at a remote but swanky lakeside residence owned by Dr Mandrakis.

The Mandrakises have never met Jill, but they're obviously so rich that they can trust anyone to look after their kids. I suppose that if anything happens to these two, they can always afford to have more.

They also have a bird-and-fish sanctuary inside the house which is odd, since the place is surrounded by trees and water.

If there's any noise, they say, it'll be the live-in maid. But they don't bother introducing Jill to her, either.

As the wind picks up outside, Jill picks up the first of many calls from a heavy breather. Initially, she thinks it's her pals playing pranks. Then her disposable blonde friend Tiffany shows up.

Once she disappears, Jill is left to cope with ringing phones, banging doors, crashing music cues and the slowest police force on the planet. But at least the kids never wake up.

Let's just say that this is one of those movies where the psycho knows exactly when the rich folk are going out and that the babysitter won’t have a mobile phone.

Sorry? No, there's no blood even though the first scene suggests a murder so foul that it has seasoned detectives gagging.

Anyway, I guess that my main complaint is that I've heard this one a hundred times before.

Could you screen my service so that I don't get any more time-wasters? Yes, I'll hold. It's what I've been doing for the last 89 minutes.

Elliott Noble