Less lively than it sounds, SS Doomtrooper is a videogame-style World War II schlocker which loses the battle against its budgetary rations and fails to make the most of its inherent daftness.

Looking as though it was filmed at a paintball centre near Workington, it disappoints with regulation action sequences, ripped-off ideas, and a cast of people whose names will never follow the words "And the Oscar goes to..."

The only recognisable face is Ben Cross, whose career took a nosedive after Chariots of Fire and kept plummeting. Twenty-five years on, he's making Chariots Of Fuhrer.

But viz spectacles und silly accent, Cross hass a vunderful time as ze deranged Dr Ullman. By zapping Nazi soldiers with atomic rays, he produces a walking, snorting killing machine (imagine The Hulk with fluorescent tattoos and a helmet).

If one can obliterate a village, an army of them can win the war!

While unaware of this despicable experiment, the Allies do know that the Germans are up to unsporting atomic mischief.

Two terrible actors representing military intelligence enlist all-American hero Captain Molloy (Nemec, of TV's Stargate SG-1) to lead the mission to destroy the swastika-festooned stronghold out in Workington (or wherever).

Since special ops require special talents, Molloy selects a team of miscreants from the military stockade: a sniper, an ace driver, a brawler and a chap who impersonates people.

But as they encounter the gun-toting CG colossus (much too rarely) and engage with a surly French Resistance unit, none of them are given much opportunity to show off their skills.

Where it could have earned lower-tier cult status by throwing caution to the wind, the film is too weak on both horror and humour fronts. Sadly, it plays safe and never lives up to expectations.

Hellboy, you have nothing to fear.

Elliott Noble