Directed by Robert Zemeckis and with a heavyweight cast including Anthony Hopkins, Ray Winstone, John Malkovich and Angelina Jolie, the legend of Anglo-Saxon warrior Beowulf is set to dominate the big screen come November 2007.

Its thunder is unlikely to be stolen by this all-expense-spared take on the story from the people behind B-movie plot-boilers SS Doomtrooper and Dragon Dynasty.

Reducing the literary epic to a text message, it begins with the sorry tale of the once-proud kingdom of Heorot as told by Beowulf - a mighty Geat warrior with the strength of 30 men and, as played by Chris Bruno, the charisma of a Premiership goalkeeper.

The people of Heorot live in fear of Grendel – a half-man/half-beast fiend with anger management issues and apparently dredged from the CG hell of some long-abandoned PlayStation project.

Grendel’s rampage has left King Hrothgar (Cross) a shadow of his former self, turned his son Unferth into a coward and made a basket-case of his queen (Sirtis).

This is the sort of behaviour that gets Beowulf’s goat. So after bravely weathering a storm that wouldn’t upset a teacup, he and his men arrive in Denmark and let Grendel have it. Or at least they would if anyone could actually aim their impressive, firebolt-shooting crossbow.

The scene is thus set for a few tired-looking skirmishes, one dark secret and lots of Olde Englishe claptrappe along the lines of “I am Beowulf, son of Edgetha; we are the Geats who follow Hygelac”.

With barely enough extras to fill a broom cupboard and little effort made to meld the CG effects into the live action, this is shoddy even by made-for-TV standards.

Viewers could liven things up by totting up all the adventure films that feature a callow youth saying “Take me with you!” to the hero before coming a cropper. Or trying to recall where they’ve seen those sets and locations before. Or when Ben Cross last appeared on a cinema screen.

And bearing in mind that Grendel is half-man/half beast and having no doubt as to which half he gets from his mother, ask yourself this: how many pints did his father have?

Elliott Noble