It's Friday night, you're under 30, and you fancy a bit of cheesy entertainment. So, Snakes On A Plane or Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing And Charm School?

Already hamstrung by a title which suggests a documentary about crazy old-timers casting aside their Zimmer frames, this supposedly feelgood romance is more likely to leave cold seats than warm glows.

The queasy tone is set when Irish baker Frank (Carlyle) finds Steve (Goodman) trapped inside his mangled car. Through gobbets of blood, Steve has a tale to tell.

Years ago, he arranged to meet a childhood sweetheart at a dance class run by etiquette queen Marilyn Hotchkiss. Today was the day, but clearly he’s not going to make it.

Frank promises to go in his stead and, needing a little cha-cha-cha in his life after the death of his wife, becomes a regular at the classes now run by the ethereal Ms Hotchkiss Jr (Steenbergen).

Back in Steve's day, the revered institution was a boot camp of decorum for young tearaways and little madams.

Now it is a place for wounded souls like Frank and Meredith (Tomei) to dance away their worries. Or rather they would if Meredith didn't have to partner up with the unsavoury Randall (Donnie Wahlberg).

Take your partners for a medley of ill-fitting styles as the director is too busy mucking about with filters and film stocks to pay any attention to the stuff that matters.

Shoehorning bits of David Lynchian weirdness into chunks of The Wonder Years and nicking scenes from Ghost, this a messier wreck than Steve's Volvo.

The drama and humour are weak, the romance insipid and the cast given nothing to work with.

Sure-footed performers like Sean Astin, Ernie Hudson, Sonia Braga and David Paymer are left to do an ungainly hokey-cokey while Carlyle and Tomei look as though they would rather someone else took centre stage.

Strictly balderdash.

Elliott Noble