STEVEN SEAGAL

Bodyguard duties for Desmond Tutu, guardian to Tibetan nippers, alleged bigamy, moonlighting for the FBI, champion of baby elephants, defender of Native Americans... Yes, this arch-fantasist is the guv'nor when it comes to ageing gracelessly. It's no surprise that one of the roly-poly chop-sockey merchant's first jobs was in Burger King. Some uncharitable souls have alleged that the balding martial arts maestro married his Japanese wife to dodge the draft for the Vietnam War. Shame on them. After flipping burgers and holing up in the Far East, SS literally kicked off his action career in the 1988 flick Above The Law. Unfortunately, 20 years on the girthmeister's still at it. Straight to video...but still at it. But don't believe everything he says, kids. After claims that he took on the Japanese Yakuza mafia, his ex-wife claimed: "he yelled at some drunks, but never fought anyone". Our hero.